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Q: I’ve been hanging out a lot with my best friend and her boyfriend. At first, he was just meh to me. But, since I’ve gotten to know him better I’ve realized we share the same sense of humour and we have soooo many things in common — plus he’s cute. And now, OF COURSE, I have a huge crush on him! This is obviously not a good situation for a number of reasons. I’d like to keep my friendship with my bestie, and I’d also like to still hang out with the both of them. Is this even possible now, or have I ruined everything?!
A: Don’t worry, friend. You haven’t ruined anything — that’s just the TON of emotions talking right now. I know you’re probably feeling guilty because you think you’ve betrayed your BFF; jealousy because you want him to be YOUR boyfriend; more guilt because you don’t want to feel jealous of your bestie; sadness because you know you can’t ever act on your feelings (because you’re an awesome BFF), and now tons of confusion because, well, what are you going to do about all these feeeeelings?
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1. Don’t Beat Yourself Up
You are having hangs on the reg with a cute, funny guy — umm, no wonder you’re crushin! It’s perfectly normal to start falling for a guy who you spend a lot of time with, and who seems to have a lot in common with you. Let yourself off the hook by remembering that we rarely — if ever — have control over who we fall for. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants. But now is the time to determine whether you really want your bestie’s boyfriend, or just a boyfriend of your own.
2. Assess the Situation
He’s totally hot and you might picture hooking up with him in your daydreams, but in reality, that would most likely ruin your friendship forever. If your relationship with your bestie is important to you — and I take it from your letter that it is — then it’s best if you move on from your crush. Another thing? Figure out whether you like being competitive with your best friend. If you have the type of friendship that thrives on competition, then this guy might be just something else to “win,” which will only end in negative results and bad vibes. Trust me: he’s not worth it.
3. Avoid Spending Time With Them
In order for your feelings to dissipate, you’ll need to take yourself out of the equation. This could mean bowing out on a few movie nights together for a while, so you’re not seeing him regularly. It will also help your feelings of jealousy and sadness if you have little contact of him and your friend together being all couple-y. If you want to hang out with your bestie, suggest doing something with her one-on-one. And try your best to avoid being alone with him until you’re 100% over it.
4. Figure Out Why You Like Him
Determine which qualities about your friend’s bae that you really like. Is it how he surprises your friend with romantic gestures? Is it his silly jokes? Is it his dimples? Be honest. Pinpoint what it is you like and appreciate about him, and then try to find those same qualities in a different guy or two. Distracting yourself with a new crush really works!
5. Don’t Tell Your Friend About Your Feelings
I know! Honesty is usually the best policy. But, in this instance, being truthful would only do more harm than good. At this point, there isn’t a future between you and this guy, so why bother hurting your friend for no reason? Telling her will only damage your friendship — which is what you’re trying to avoid in the first place. The exception? If her boyfriend has explicitly expressed interest in pursuing something with you. Like, he basically, said, “I want to be with YOU.” Then, you tell her. Otherwise, it remains in the vault.