The holidays can be tricky, so make sure to follow these rules to ensure a joyous season, filled with merriment!
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1. The Rules of Candy Grams
Realize that candy grams are lethal. A forgotten candy gram can be diabolical. It only took three candy canes to break Gretchen Weiners. And now it’s 2016, so…………
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2. The Rules of Mistletoe
The rules of mistletoe only apply when both parties are well aware of the whereabouts of the plant as it hangs with regards to their persons. Mistletoe must remain in a fixed location. Mistletoe cannot be moved around to service specific partygoers needs and desires at certain times.
3. The Rules of Festive Attire
Realize that no matter what you believe the dress code to be for any holiday engagement, you should seize on the opportunity to wear sequins, sparkles, velvet, vegan fur, pleather pants, statement jewelry, and “ugly” christmas sweaters. Compliment others’ festive attire and resist judgement. Anything goes.
4. The Rules of Christmas Movies
You can’t watch sequels, e.g. Home Alone 2, without having watched Home Alone 1 within the previous week. You also can’t watch Home Alone 1 more than once without first watching Home Alone 2 and consequently Home Alone 3 and 4. These are just the rules! You can, however, watch standalone movies such as Elf repeatedly and indefinitely, even in July.
5. The Rules of Secret Santa
You need not rely too heavily on an inside joke between you and the recipient of your Secret Santa gift. It’s quite uncomfortable when the giver expects the recipient to understand a joke that was hardly as significant or memorable for him or her as it was for you, the Santa. It’s best to go for innocuous gifts e.g. candles, snacks, or footie pajamas.
6. The Rules of Cookie Baking
Allow for at least 1/4th of your bounty to vanish during the baking process. Prepare to to lose inventory at the dough stage or in the form of already baked cookies fresh out of the oven, on the cooling rack. Account for the fact that people may burn their hand or their tongue. Be prepared to offer an ice pack or a cold soaked paper towel for their comfort.
7. The Rules of Dieting
There’s no such thing as dieting in December. The only diet is one that resolves to consume an excess of sweets and carbs. To speak of calories, counting of calories, weight watchers, or scales will most likely result in social ostracization. Even if you’re a health nut, be cool. Everybody likes ice cream. Don’t pretend you don’t.
8. The Rules of Resolutions
You must always resolve to exercise more, eat more healthily, and do more charity. You must also always pretend as though you did not succeed at any of the previous year’s resolutions. Failure to comply with this societal standard will most likely result in social shunning. Don’t be an overachiever. Nobody likes someone who admits to having achieved their resolutions. The entire point of them is that nobody ever does and they’re just something everyone decides to attempt on January 1st. Do less.