The 22 Phases of Online Dating

Admit it, this is so you

1. Spend 1.3 hours on the phone with your BFF contemplating if you should try online dating. Ultimately decide absolutely not. It’s a hard no.

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2. Snuggle up with your Harry Potter stuffed animal, Fang, and Ben and Jerry. Watch two seconds of The Notebook.

3. Immediately sign up for every online dating service ever.

4. INSTANT PANIC. NOW YOU NEED A PROFILE PIC. MAYDAY MAYDAY.

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phases of online dating: emma stone

5. Go to sleep. You’ll wait for the soft morning light to take your goddess-like photo.

6. Wake up. INSTANT PANIC. You also need a witty but classy, strong but feminine one-liner for your profile. Who am I in one sentence? Who am I at all? What’s my name?

7. FULL BLOWN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

phases of online dating: clueless

8. Call BFF. She speeds over. She takes a Killer But Subtle Not Trying To0 Hard But Totally Hot pro pic and writes the perfect one-liner. You are saved!

9. Okay! You’re live. Now you wait…

phases of online dating: wait

10. It’s been exactly thirty-seven seconds. No responses.

11. This was a horrible idea. You’re totally undatable. You’re the scum of the earth.

12. Ding! Someone direct messages you.

13. This was a GREAT idea. You’re practically Beyonce…but hotter. You’re a radiant earth goddess.

14. Open message: “U have hot feet. Want to come over and feed my chinchilla?”

15. Type back furiously. “NO, I DO NOT WANT TO FEED YOUR CHINCHILLA. PS: Thank you. I’ve always been self-conscious about my feet.”

phases-of-online-dating: cat typing

16. Shut down phone and computer. This was a horrible idea. You’ll delete the accounts tomorrow.

17. Snuggle with Fang. Watch every Valentine’s Day episode of The Office. Tell yourself you will not cry over this.

phases of online dating: the office

18. Turn on phone to text mom you’re still alive. A message from a Jim pops up, “Hey, there. Pizza or Sushi?” Scan his profile. “Dogs > humans. I learned my Australian accent off of Youtube.” Adorable, smart, funny… DOG LOVER.

19. You message him back. Three hours of messaging later, he calls you. You talk about dogs. And movies. And politics. And jobs. And hopes. And Dreams. He’s FUNNY. HE LOVES DOGS.

20. Hang up. Sh*t. You kinda like him. He’ll probably never call again. Fall asleep watching Jim from The Office thinking about Jim from Internet.

21. Wake up. One unread text message: “Sushi? Friday? Promise I won’t talk anymore about dogs.”

22. Delete all dating apps. You are one million percent sure you’ll be marrying this guy. And yes, your Goldendoodle that you co-own will walk the rings down the aisle at your wedding.

phases of online dating: dog

*This article was inspired by AwesomenessTV’s new series, Chat. Like. LoveThe romantic comedy series follows two high schoolers as they fall in love online. The only catch is, one lives across the pond…

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