The 6 Honest Stages of Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions

Admit it, this is totally you

Phase 1: I Am a Goddess, Hear Me Roar Stage (January – February)

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1. It’s January 1st. You feel lazy, puffy, and very pale. Just like this pup. In fact, you are this pup.

How I feel after a weekend of cheat meals…

A post shared by No Crying In Cooking (@no.crying.in.cooking) on

 

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2. But that’s okay! After two weeks off you’ve been contemplating just how much of a gorgeous, determined, fabulous goddess you are. THIS WILL BE YOUR YEAR! You will: work out every day, stop procrastinating, drink those green drink things, and be much much neater. YOU GOT THIS. I AM A GODDESS, HEAR ME ROAR!

3. January 15th: It’s been two weeks since you’ve promised yourself to actually follow through on this year’s resolutions. You have done nothing. Absolutely nothing.

4. January 18th: EUREKA!! You’ve got it. You found THE perfect workout pants. Selena was spotted wearing them in Santa Monica. These yoga pants will absolutely inspire you to workout every day. And then, once you work out every day, you’ll start craving the green drinks and with all the nutrients from the green drinks, you’ll most definitely never procrastinate again and instantly become a tidy person! These pants will literally change your life.

5. January 18th-24th: Spend a week trying to track down the exact Selena yoga pants.

6. February 1st: They arrive. Hello, new me!

The Stages of Keeping Your New Years Resolutions: Beyonce

 

7. February 2nd: Go to the gym. Get super intimidated by the machines, grunting men, and Supernaturally Strong Old Lady. Spend the whole time stretching in the corner. *Note: Tush looks FANTASTIC in new yoga pants.

8. February 3rd- February 24th: You go to the gym every. single. day. You even start using some of the scary machines and have had exactly 3.5 green drink thingies.

Phase 2: I’M GOING TO THE CARIBBEAN, B*TCHES Stage (March and April) 

1. Your bff invites you to go to the Caribbean for Spring Break. BIKINI BODY TIME. You’re not exactly sure what that means, but this seems like the right time to try it.

2. March 2nd: Stumble upon Fitness Instagrams. Become obsessed with before and after pics. Download a workout app. Swear you will exercise every day.

3. March 3rd-25th: Never open the app. Not once.

4. SPRING BREAK. Realize bikini bodies are totally overrated. Love yourself exactly as you are.

The Stages of Keeping Your New Years Resolutions: The Simpsons

Phase 3: I Would Like to Exclude Myself From This Narrative Stage (May and June)

1. Cannot breathe, suffocated by school work.

2. Lie in bed and watch reality tv.

3. Cannot breathe, suffocated by school work.

4. Lie in bed and watch reality tv.

The Stages of Keeping Your New Years Resolutions: Lazy Cat

Phase 4: Resolutions and Bikini Bodies Are Officially Overrated Stage (July and August)

1. July 3rd: Realize you may have put too much pressure on yourself in January. Realize living just a happy, balanced life is the real goal.

2. August 16th: Discover dipping pizza rolls in Nutella is actually REALLY good. New go to snack.

The Stages of Keeping Your New Years Resolutions: Jennifer Lawrence

Phase 5: It’s Me, Resolutions. New Number, Who Dis? Stage (September – October)

1. Cannot breathe, suffocated by school work.

2. Lie in bed and watch reality tv.

3. Cannot breathe, suffocated by school work.

4. Go as Olive from Little Miss Sunshine for Halloween. Firmly stand against any sexy costumes.

The Stages of Keeping Your New Years Resolutions: Little Miss Sunshine

5. Lie in bed and watch reality tv.

Phase 6: The NOM Stage (November -December)

1. November 21st – December 25th: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

2. December 31st: You feel lazy, puffy, and very pale. Just like this pup. In fact, you are this pup.

How I feel after a weekend of cheat meals…

A post shared by No Crying In Cooking (@no.crying.in.cooking) on

 

3. But that’s okay! After two weeks off you’ve been contemplating just how much of a gorgeous, determined, fabulous goddess you are. THIS WILL BE YOUR YEAR! You will: work out every day, stop procrastinating, drink those green drink things, and be much much neater. YOU GOT THIS. I AM A GODDESS, HEAR ME ROAR!

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