Five days before date:
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1. Mercilessly plan your outfit. Realize you literally own nothing that you could be seen in public in.
2. Flash impulse shop. Buy a $5o outfit you probably won’t ever wear again.
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Three days before date:
3. Realize he hasn’t texted you in a full day. Is the date still on? Should you text him? Write him? Send him a telegraph? Did you imagine he asked you out in one of your night terrors?
4. An hour later, decide you should send a casual but flirty Snapchat. NO, NANCY. That’s a HORRIBLE idea.
5. Two hours later. UTTER PANIC. The date is totally off.
6. He texts you.
7. You knew he would!
Day of date:
8. Wake up to a huge zit on your chin.
9. Watch “Cover Zit Makeup Tutorials” for three hours on Youtube.
10. Switch to Oprah Super Soul Sunday videos on Youtube. Decide your zit does not define the wonderful, beautiful, tropical fish you are and let it go. Namaste.
Two hours to date:
11. Get in the shower. Mentally prepare to shave all the bits you’ve neglected to shave for the entirety of Winter (so, every inch of your body). You got this.
12. Give up after the first leg. He won’t notice, right?
13. Get out of the shower. Realize you have GROSSLY underestimated your get ready time.
14. TURBO MODE: DO HAIR, DO MAKEUP, GET DRESSED, *TRY* TO COVER SIT, BREATH CHECK, SELF AFFIRMATIONS, POWER POSING, BREATH CHECK
15. Totally ready! Still have 35 minutes before he arrives…
16. Sit with all your anxiety. The minutes drip by.
17. He’s 3.5 minutes late. Did he stand me up?
18. 30 seconds later. He TOTALLY stood me up, that good for nothing–
19. The doorbell rings.
20. UTTER PANIC
21. Answer the door. He’s perfect. It probably took him two minutes to get ready. Why do boys smell so good?
22. You make a joke about pickles??
45 minutes into date:
23. He orders the lasagna. You order the chicken even though you really want the spaghetti (sauce catastrophe waiting to happen).
24. Barely eat your chicken because of fluttery nerves. Overcompensate by making too loud of “Mmmm” sounds. STOP IT, NANCY.
25. He reaches for your knee. MAYDAY. HE’S GOING FOR YOUR UNSHAVED LEG. He lands on your one shaved leg. Thank you, baby cheeses.
3 hours into date:
26. He walks you to your door.
27. UTTER PANIC
28. He kisses you. Short, sweet, perfect.
29. He says goodbye. You make a joke about pickles, again??
30. Heat up bagels bites because now you’re starving. Eat them in bed while watching The Notebook, projecting Steve’s face on Ryan’s.
31. Regret making those pickle jokes.
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