The Terrifying Phases of a First Date

An all-too-real account

Five days before date:

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1. Mercilessly plan your outfit. Realize you literally own nothing that you could be seen in public in.

phases of a first date: shaving

2. Flash impulse shop. Buy a $5o outfit you probably won’t ever wear again.

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Three days before date:

3. Realize he hasn’t texted you in a full day. Is the date still on? Should you text him? Write him? Send him a telegraph? Did you imagine he asked you out in one of your night terrors?

4. An hour later, decide you should send a casual but flirty Snapchat. NO, NANCY. That’s a HORRIBLE idea.

5. Two hours later. UTTER PANIC. The date is totally off.

phases of a first date: shaving

6. He texts you.

7. You knew he would!

Day of date:

8. Wake up to a huge zit on your chin.

phases of a first date: zit

9. Watch “Cover Zit Makeup Tutorials” for three hours on Youtube.

10. Switch to Oprah Super Soul Sunday videos on Youtube. Decide your zit does not define the wonderful, beautiful, tropical fish you are and let it go. Namaste.

Two hours to date:

11. Get in the shower. Mentally prepare to shave all the bits you’ve neglected to shave for the entirety of Winter (so, every inch of your body). You got this.

phases of a first date: shaving

12. Give up after the first leg. He won’t notice, right?

13. Get out of the shower. Realize you have GROSSLY underestimated your get ready time.

14. TURBO MODE: DO HAIR, DO MAKEUP, GET DRESSED, *TRY* TO COVER SIT, BREATH CHECK, SELF AFFIRMATIONS, POWER POSING, BREATH CHECK

phases of a first date: beyonce

15. Totally ready! Still have 35 minutes before he arrives…

16. Sit with all your anxiety. The minutes drip by.

17. He’s 3.5 minutes late. Did he stand me up?

18. 30 seconds later. He TOTALLY stood me up, that good for nothing–

phases of a first date: the little rascals

19. The doorbell rings.

20. UTTER PANIC

21. Answer the door. He’s perfect. It probably took him two minutes to get ready. Why do boys smell so good?

22. You make a joke about pickles??

phases of a first date: mean girls

45 minutes into date:

23. He orders the lasagna. You order the chicken even though you really want the spaghetti (sauce catastrophe waiting to happen).

24. Barely eat your chicken because of fluttery nerves. Overcompensate by making too loud of “Mmmm” sounds. STOP IT, NANCY.

25. He reaches for your knee. MAYDAY. HE’S GOING FOR YOUR UNSHAVED LEG. He lands on your one shaved leg. Thank you, baby cheeses.

phases of a first date: selena gomez

3 hours into date:

26. He walks you to your door.

27. UTTER PANIC

28. He kisses you. Short, sweet, perfect.

29. He says goodbye. You make a joke about pickles, again??

phases of a first date: mean girls

30. Heat up bagels bites because now you’re starving. Eat them in bed while watching The Notebook, projecting Steve’s face on Ryan’s.

31. Regret making those pickle jokes.

phases of a first date: mean girls

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